Still I wait every day in and out of coffee shops, the anxiety has left for the most part, but I still have no idea how I will continue onto the next destination. The hardest part is that my next destination is about a day and a half worth of driving non stop, I know I won't go that extreme, but I will definitely push the pedal hard once I hit the road again.
Until then I am here, and here I will stay. There are so many things that I could do in this town, and I'm looking forward to doing them all.
comparatively to anywhere I've ever been in my life I've made a plethora of friends. Are any of them potential long term friends?
yes.
If I leave before I dry out these friendships they will all be willing to keep in contact with me for a good portion of my life.
Lost in the chaos of living I realized today that I've run out of money once again. It's a little surprising due to my $5 a day budget. Luckily with that budget, I will be able to continue just fine as long as I make money busking on the streets of Ashland. This is not always an easy feat though, these people are heavy with their wallets, although light with their moods. I'm curious to see how long this place will last for me, and I think it's quite interesting that now my discontinued friendship with one of my oldest friends has only opened possibilities of new light and life for me.
Over the last couple of years all of the older friends that I've had are leaving my life one by one, I feel as though this is a true new beginning. I'm excited for the new start. Strangely I have kept the one friendship I never thought I would that just so happens to be my longest. The strangest people come and go through my life, and now that I've found some crazy homeless hippies and a group of punk rock train-hopping kids that I get along with equally I'm not so worried about my future in friendships. I believe I've learned enough to keep the people around that I really would like to keep around.
I continue to grow, and I'm extremely excited about it.
Godspeed - Gilliam Grey
Friday, July 16, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Anxiety in Ashland
It's not exactly what I was expecting when I decided I would stop in Ashland, Oregon for a while. A close friend of mine from 9th grade lives here, and I always loved coming to visit him. Since the last time we saw each other (almost three years ago) we've both gone through a lot of changes in our lives. These changes has put a whole new perspective on what our friendship means to each other. We're both in a sort of friendship limbo because we really don't know each other anymore.
There will always be those memories of the great times we had as kids, and all the things we learned about ourselves with the help of the other. We were both so important to each other in a very big learning time in our lives, but now we are where we are in our lives as adults and it's almost like we're not sure we even need each other around anymore.
It's hard to say that, and it's very strange, it has nothing to do with whether we get along or not, because I believe we do. We're just so very different. Being in Ashland has put my mind in a very strange series of thoughts, and I've stopped thinking about the things that are important for me to think about while I'm on my trip.
My friends that I've seen on the road are both so similar to how they were as kids, but it's strange that even though we can be the same people we end up so very different than we expected each other to end up like.
I think I've just become an arrogant asshole...but maybe this is my realization and my attempt to change this will come soon...or maybe I realized this at the end of my last serious relationship and I still haven't fixed myself as much as I thought I had. There's too much to think about, and I don't know exactly where to put all of these thoughts or how far I'm going to end up going with them in the end.
I feel useless.
I feel pointless.
And this depression has to stop...it's strange because I was feeling so good just yesterday...where has my happiness gone? Or have I ever really had it?
There will always be those memories of the great times we had as kids, and all the things we learned about ourselves with the help of the other. We were both so important to each other in a very big learning time in our lives, but now we are where we are in our lives as adults and it's almost like we're not sure we even need each other around anymore.
It's hard to say that, and it's very strange, it has nothing to do with whether we get along or not, because I believe we do. We're just so very different. Being in Ashland has put my mind in a very strange series of thoughts, and I've stopped thinking about the things that are important for me to think about while I'm on my trip.
My friends that I've seen on the road are both so similar to how they were as kids, but it's strange that even though we can be the same people we end up so very different than we expected each other to end up like.
I think I've just become an arrogant asshole...but maybe this is my realization and my attempt to change this will come soon...or maybe I realized this at the end of my last serious relationship and I still haven't fixed myself as much as I thought I had. There's too much to think about, and I don't know exactly where to put all of these thoughts or how far I'm going to end up going with them in the end.
I feel useless.
I feel pointless.
And this depression has to stop...it's strange because I was feeling so good just yesterday...where has my happiness gone? Or have I ever really had it?
Sometimes I wonder if I really am the type of person that I percieve myself as.
Do I really think as much as I believe I do?
Am I really as good natured as I think I am?
Am I really as happy as I think I feel?
Although these questions may seems stupid from an outsiders perspective, I really do wonder. Is this one big lie that I'm living? Sometimes I almost feel like I think I'm living one life but I'm actually living another that could even been happening in some other dimension.
At times I feel like I know myself perfectly well...and that I am who I am and there is no other answer. Other times I feel like I'm lying to myself...
Maybe I really am huge asshole and I don't give a fuck what anybody has to say about anything, I only care how I feel, and I'm the only person that is ever right... If this is true, it's going to be really hard for me to accept because that is not at all how I wish to be, and I feel like I strive for something much bigger.
As of this point in my life, I have a really bad habbit of not being able to keep friends around...I could be wrong...and they could leave for other reasons...or maybe I'm the one that always leaves.
Maybe there are times that I just make a huge ass out of myself because I'm loud, obnoxious, and need to shut my fucking mouth.
I'm not in a good mood, I need to move on from this and stay strong, I know I want to be a good person, I just need to work on getting there...it's important that I question these things, as long as I don't dwell and figure out ways to fix them if they are true and I feel I shouldn't be said direction in my life.
Move on Gilliam.
Godspeed - Dr. Grey
Do I really think as much as I believe I do?
Am I really as good natured as I think I am?
Am I really as happy as I think I feel?
Although these questions may seems stupid from an outsiders perspective, I really do wonder. Is this one big lie that I'm living? Sometimes I almost feel like I think I'm living one life but I'm actually living another that could even been happening in some other dimension.
At times I feel like I know myself perfectly well...and that I am who I am and there is no other answer. Other times I feel like I'm lying to myself...
Maybe I really am huge asshole and I don't give a fuck what anybody has to say about anything, I only care how I feel, and I'm the only person that is ever right... If this is true, it's going to be really hard for me to accept because that is not at all how I wish to be, and I feel like I strive for something much bigger.
As of this point in my life, I have a really bad habbit of not being able to keep friends around...I could be wrong...and they could leave for other reasons...or maybe I'm the one that always leaves.
Maybe there are times that I just make a huge ass out of myself because I'm loud, obnoxious, and need to shut my fucking mouth.
I'm not in a good mood, I need to move on from this and stay strong, I know I want to be a good person, I just need to work on getting there...it's important that I question these things, as long as I don't dwell and figure out ways to fix them if they are true and I feel I shouldn't be said direction in my life.
Move on Gilliam.
Godspeed - Dr. Grey
Monday, July 12, 2010
Getting so worked up
There's really no point in getting so worked up about everything all the time, I should know, I had issues with this for a long time and still struggle every now and then. I try to grow from these simple little misfortunes though.
Let's grow up already, it's time to be complete within ourselves, show respect to the world around us and grow and grow and grow and grow.
I respect your opinion, and I believe in mine.
(these letters to myself could be misinterpreted as being told to someone else, I must reiterate that these are directed towards me and are not a judgment on other peoples actions so much as a general realization about myself, and from time to time an interpretation of another's actions.)
Godspeed - Gilliam Grey
Let's grow up already, it's time to be complete within ourselves, show respect to the world around us and grow and grow and grow and grow.
I respect your opinion, and I believe in mine.
(these letters to myself could be misinterpreted as being told to someone else, I must reiterate that these are directed towards me and are not a judgment on other peoples actions so much as a general realization about myself, and from time to time an interpretation of another's actions.)
Godspeed - Gilliam Grey
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Everyday as human beings we ramble on about what seems to be the most meaningless things in our lives, but those small things add up and we find ourselves repeating behaviors learned through past experience, most of the time not even realizing when something is negative or not.
It's only a farce regard for a moment never lived. Creating a negative moment through thought rather than experience creates a negative connotation through your memory effecting future experiences.Rather the opposite if you experience something negative you can, instead, learn through positive thinking.
When we live through negativity this feeling is exerted through our minds and connects to our physical actions. Everything we do everyday is based off of these things we teach ourselves.
We often think about the way we understand life through nature and nurture, but we have to remember that we not only learn from things that happen outside of us, but from things we put ourselves through. We can worry all day about what someone did wrong to us early in the morning, but it's not going to effect them so much as it's going to effect you. Even if you take these feelings out on them, you've spent so much energy trying to find the right ways of expelling this anger upon them that you've only made yourself more upset, this also creates a connection in our neuronet and the more often we decide to react like this, the chances grow exponentially of it happening more and more in the future.
Yet again, this is only really effecting ourselves. Although we can make a very deep impression on someone else, the only person that makes us feel the way we do is ourselves, same goes for everyone, including the person that you may have bitched out for running over your cat (or whatever it is you might have done). If you spend all that energy explaining why they've done such a horrible thing to you, the cat, the cat's family, or cat lovers in general the way that this person reacts towards this is entirely based on the way they feel and the decisions they've made in the past on how to react towards things. So if they always take everything in a positive light and decide that you scolding them was a lesson, and they understand, and they learn from this experience, the only person that is hurting in the end is you! They have gone on to other planes of existence.
Something I've said a lot in the last couple of years is, "It's not WHAT you go through, but HOW you go through it that makes you the person that you are." And another annictode that applies to all of this is something my brother once told me many years back when I was still in grade school, "Life is too short to change everyone else." This is so very true, it's our job to truly make the best out of our own lives, and not let the experiences that we go through around us control us in a negative way. Let us grow up and see with eyes unclouded by hate.
Godspeed - Gilliam Grey
It's only a farce regard for a moment never lived. Creating a negative moment through thought rather than experience creates a negative connotation through your memory effecting future experiences.Rather the opposite if you experience something negative you can, instead, learn through positive thinking.
When we live through negativity this feeling is exerted through our minds and connects to our physical actions. Everything we do everyday is based off of these things we teach ourselves.
We often think about the way we understand life through nature and nurture, but we have to remember that we not only learn from things that happen outside of us, but from things we put ourselves through. We can worry all day about what someone did wrong to us early in the morning, but it's not going to effect them so much as it's going to effect you. Even if you take these feelings out on them, you've spent so much energy trying to find the right ways of expelling this anger upon them that you've only made yourself more upset, this also creates a connection in our neuronet and the more often we decide to react like this, the chances grow exponentially of it happening more and more in the future.
Yet again, this is only really effecting ourselves. Although we can make a very deep impression on someone else, the only person that makes us feel the way we do is ourselves, same goes for everyone, including the person that you may have bitched out for running over your cat (or whatever it is you might have done). If you spend all that energy explaining why they've done such a horrible thing to you, the cat, the cat's family, or cat lovers in general the way that this person reacts towards this is entirely based on the way they feel and the decisions they've made in the past on how to react towards things. So if they always take everything in a positive light and decide that you scolding them was a lesson, and they understand, and they learn from this experience, the only person that is hurting in the end is you! They have gone on to other planes of existence.
Something I've said a lot in the last couple of years is, "It's not WHAT you go through, but HOW you go through it that makes you the person that you are." And another annictode that applies to all of this is something my brother once told me many years back when I was still in grade school, "Life is too short to change everyone else." This is so very true, it's our job to truly make the best out of our own lives, and not let the experiences that we go through around us control us in a negative way. Let us grow up and see with eyes unclouded by hate.
Godspeed - Gilliam Grey
Heaven can wait for Hell to wonder what Heaven's waiting for
What exactly are you waiting for?
Sitting here wondering what's going to happen next is only going to lose some potential possibilities that might even better your predicament. I travel these roads always ready for the next change in my life, but always being surprised when it turns out the way it does, and I'm grateful for that. If I always knew what was going to happen next I think I would go completely insane.
Destination greatness.
I'm trying to make the best of everything I experience. I've always had a very short fuse, even as a small child (worse I'd say). Since starting my travels across the states I've noticed a battle going on in my mind to change this fuse. I know I will always get upset about life's misfortunes, if we never got upset we wouldn't truly be human. In this process of change I've noticed my strengthening will is starting to take over my anger and creating a longer piece of rope to burn. Feeling this change within myself has made me overall even more happy, and realize the truth about truly shitty situations. They all come to an end when you decide to overcome. It's all a decision.
Strangely though, I've noticed that every once and a while I don't even have a fuse anymore, just an explosion point. With everything else it takes me longer to get upset, but certain very small things light the fuse at the base and I go off right from the start. For example, just today I left my phone on a sidewalk somewhere near my car in Ashland, Oregon and when someone picked it up, they contacted the last person I was talking to telling her that he didn't know what to do with the phone and that he would just take it to the police station. For some reason this really set me off when I heard what the stranger had done. In my mind I'm thinking why didn't he just leave it where it was at? It was right next to my car!
All I could think to myself was 'now I have to go find the damn police station!' In all of this moment of silly frustration I look across the street and start laughing to myself. It wasn't just the fact that the police station was right across the street, it was that I got so upset over something that would have made no difference anyway. These aren't the kind of situations that should be pissing me off, but at the same time I will go through Hell and back, and hardly bat an eye.
Being in Las Vegas, Nevada really destroyed me internally, and I was quite upset about it. The juxtaposing feeling of seeing it as a blessing rather than a burden has completely changed my thinking about seeing such evil places as a bad thing. Instead I look at the situation now and realize that I'm only more alive than I was before experiencing Hell. We shall see how these changes in my life will affect my trip, and in a greater sense, how they will affect my relationships on the road and when I come back home.
This may be the beginning of an interesting blog, and I only started it about a quarter of the way into my trip across the states. I have a lot to catch up on, and a lot to show the world that I don't feel will be that easy to get across to people. Maybe these will be read, and maybe I will just be rambling to myself as a time capsule.
We shall see.
Godspeed - Gilliam Grey
Sitting here wondering what's going to happen next is only going to lose some potential possibilities that might even better your predicament. I travel these roads always ready for the next change in my life, but always being surprised when it turns out the way it does, and I'm grateful for that. If I always knew what was going to happen next I think I would go completely insane.
Destination greatness.
I'm trying to make the best of everything I experience. I've always had a very short fuse, even as a small child (worse I'd say). Since starting my travels across the states I've noticed a battle going on in my mind to change this fuse. I know I will always get upset about life's misfortunes, if we never got upset we wouldn't truly be human. In this process of change I've noticed my strengthening will is starting to take over my anger and creating a longer piece of rope to burn. Feeling this change within myself has made me overall even more happy, and realize the truth about truly shitty situations. They all come to an end when you decide to overcome. It's all a decision.
Strangely though, I've noticed that every once and a while I don't even have a fuse anymore, just an explosion point. With everything else it takes me longer to get upset, but certain very small things light the fuse at the base and I go off right from the start. For example, just today I left my phone on a sidewalk somewhere near my car in Ashland, Oregon and when someone picked it up, they contacted the last person I was talking to telling her that he didn't know what to do with the phone and that he would just take it to the police station. For some reason this really set me off when I heard what the stranger had done. In my mind I'm thinking why didn't he just leave it where it was at? It was right next to my car!
All I could think to myself was 'now I have to go find the damn police station!' In all of this moment of silly frustration I look across the street and start laughing to myself. It wasn't just the fact that the police station was right across the street, it was that I got so upset over something that would have made no difference anyway. These aren't the kind of situations that should be pissing me off, but at the same time I will go through Hell and back, and hardly bat an eye.
Being in Las Vegas, Nevada really destroyed me internally, and I was quite upset about it. The juxtaposing feeling of seeing it as a blessing rather than a burden has completely changed my thinking about seeing such evil places as a bad thing. Instead I look at the situation now and realize that I'm only more alive than I was before experiencing Hell. We shall see how these changes in my life will affect my trip, and in a greater sense, how they will affect my relationships on the road and when I come back home.
This may be the beginning of an interesting blog, and I only started it about a quarter of the way into my trip across the states. I have a lot to catch up on, and a lot to show the world that I don't feel will be that easy to get across to people. Maybe these will be read, and maybe I will just be rambling to myself as a time capsule.
We shall see.
Godspeed - Gilliam Grey
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